


Survivors

by Mareel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Art, Cover Art, Destroy Ending, F/M, Food & Drink, Friendship, Hospitalization, London, M/M, Mass Effect Big Bang, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Romance, Sexual Content, Shower Sex, Vancouver, space hamster - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:17:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the war, Shepard faces a lengthy recovery, but with Kaidan by his side the whole way, they begin building their new life together. Shepard is surprised to have lived, but he's not the only unexpected survivor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Watch Over You

**Author's Note:**

> The story takes place after the end of the Reaper war and is a canon-divergent AU, in that there are a few changes to canon events. 
> 
> I want to express so much appreciation to people who have supported me with their suggestions, critique, and so much encouragement as I wrote this story, including [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster), [smith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Smith/pseuds/Smith), and [kipli](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kipli). 
> 
> Of course special thanks are due to lehonk for creating the beautiful art to accompany the story and for making some great suggestions to improve the story. The art perfectly captures the mood of the scene and the setting is so meaningful to Kaidan and John. 
> 
> [Art Link](http://lehonkart.deviantart.com/art/mshenko-Point-Atkinson-613887427?ga_submit_new=10%253A1465334319)   
> 
> 
> Lehonk has added another piece of art - it's in an Epilogue at the end of Chapter 10, and the high-resolution version is [HERE](http://lehonkart.deviantart.com/art/Mass-Effect-mshenko-Point-Atkinson-at-Night-618931659?ga_submit_new=10%253A1467404779).
> 
>    
> The first chapter takes place approximately two months after the end of the war. Kaidan had recently gotten back to Earth on the _Normandy_ and is spending his time in the London hospital where Shepard is still in a coma. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

 

"Major Alenko?"

I startle awake, the data pad I'd been reading clattering to the floor. I reach to retrieve it before lifting my head to acknowledge whoever had spoken.

It's one of Shepard's doctors, I guess. Not one I've seen before in the couple of weeks I've been back on Earth. Since the majority of that time has been spent here in this hospital room, I thought I'd met most of the staff. His frown and clipped tone makes me worry immediately if there's some kind of bad news about Shepard's condition. I glance over toward the bed – I don't see any change and the monitors haven't been alarming. 

"Yes, that's me. What is it? Has his condition changed?"

The doctor shakes his head, eyes flicking past the man in the bed to assess the monitors above and behind him. 

"No. No change at all. Which is what I wanted to speak with you about. I understand that you've been spending a lot of time here. That's really not necessary with the patient in the condition he's in. He has no idea if anyone is here with him or not. You should probably go get some sleep."

I'm a little surprised by the tone. Other people, mostly the nurses, have suggested that the chair isn't very comfortable, but no one ever asked me to leave.

"I'm fine here. I just want to be nearby if there's any change. I sleep well enough."

The guy is actually frowning at me. For wanting to stay? What the hell?

"Visiting hours are technically over. Normally only close relatives are permitted to spend the night with a patient. We've been very lenient in this case..."

"Wait a goddamn minute here. I'm the closest thing this man has to a relative... at least within quite a few light-years, if his mother's ship is even still out there. A whole lot of ships aren't, you know. There's been no word about hers."

I try to check the anger I feel rising. It won't help. It particularly won't help if my biotics start to flare – most civilians have precious little experience with human biotics. "What possible harm is there? I just don't want him to be alone. I promised him..."

"The guidelines are in place for the patient's protection, to limit possible disturbances to their recovery..."

Something in me snaps. 

"You need this chair for anyone else? Cause if not, I'm going to keep right on sleeping in it."

The human doctor seems taken aback by my vehemence, but gives me a curt nod and turns to go. "As you wish, Spectre Alenko."

I reach for John's hand, the only undamaged part of him that I can reach, and stroke my thumb over his palm slowly. It's for me as much as for him this time, willing the calm that comes with the touch. 

"I'm here, John. Because I love you. You're not alone."

_______________________________________

 


	2. Survivor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Approximately 9 weeks after the end of the Reaper war, at the hospital in London where Shepard is still unconscious. Kaidan has been there with him for a little over a week.

 

"Major Alenko?"

The voice is clipped, military. I haven't heard much of that here in the hospital where I'm hoping and waiting for Shepard to wake from the coma he's been in since he was found, nearly dead, in the wreckage of the Citadel. It's usually the voices of doctors or nurses that I hear, murmuring as they go about tending to him and updating me on his limited progress.

I automatically straighten my back from where I've been drowsing in the chair by John's bedside, and then decide I should probably stand. I don't recognize the voice, but this sounds important.

"Yes, I'm Kaidan Alenko. How may I help you?" It's a young lieutenant in a uniform that looks to have seen a lot of hard wear. Laundry is a luxury these days in London, with water still rationed. He looks a little nervous, shifting a datapad from hand to hand, maybe uncertain whether he should salute this scruffy major in fatigue pants and an N7 hoodie. 

He does decide to salute, and I return it, smiling a little in spite of his serious demeanor. 

"I've been requested to escort you to meet with someone." He probably sees me glance at Shepard. It's likely my reluctance to leave his side has become well known. 

"Where is this meeting, Lieutenant. I can't leave here for long. With the staff shortage, I've been relieving some of the aides here."

"Understood, Major. But it's not far - just one floor down, on the ward there. The Admiral said to make it an order, but tell you to take your time, sir."

"The Admiral?" What admiral would be here in the hospital? I've been here for almost a week and haven't heard any mention of it.

"I'm not authorized to say any more." 

He's not going to go away, and orders are orders, so I murmur to an unhearing Shepard that I'll be back soon and try to smooth my hair as best I can. I worry for a moment about greeting some admiral while wearing John's N7 hoodie, but decide the hell with it. I'm not on duty.

"All right. Let's go. I need to get back here as soon as I can." Pausing at the nursing station, I tell the duty nurse that I'll be out of Shepard's room for a little while so that someone will be sure to check on him. 

Stepping out of the elevator, I follow the lieutenant to the far end of the hall - to a patient room just a little larger than Shepard's. And the face that greets me from the bed stops me in my tracks. 

"Anderson? Admiral Anderson? We'd been told you didn't..." How do you tell someone you thought they were dead? 

He's wired to the bed with nearly as many tubes and monitors as John is, but he's definitely awake and aware. He has the use of his arms and waves me to a seat.

"The reports of my demise were apparently premature, Major. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was dying. Passed out while talking to Shepard... up on the Citadel. Shot by the Illusive Man... before Shepard convinced him to commit suicide. Damnedest bit of persuasion I've ever heard."

I reach out to shake his hand. His grip is weak but there's a smile tugging at his lips. "I've not been conscious for too long. They tell me I was pretty far gone. Not just the gunshot wound... I was nearly buried in rubble." His voice turns serious. "Still can't feel my legs. Don't know if they'll be back or not, but hell, I'm alive! And I hear Shepard is alive, too!" 

"Yes, sir. He is. Still unconscious though. I've only been back for a few days. Slow trip home at FTL on the _Normandy_ , without much communication most of the time. I'm so glad to see you made it! I'm sure that John... Shepard will be glad too. I hope you’ll be able to tell him the news yourself one of these days."

Anderson reaches for my hand again, this time clasping it for a moment before lightly touching the red and white stripes on my sleeve. "So it's true... you and Commander Shepard?"

I nod, unsure of how he'll react to that news. "Yes, sir. Will that be a problem? I'm prepared to resign if necessary."

Anderson shakes his head. "No problem that I can see, son. Couple of Spectres... who's going to complain? And I'm not terribly surprised to hear it. I suspected maybe there was something between you two a long time ago. I thought it was a good thing. Made you both stronger."

My next words slip out without conscious thought. "Someone to live for..." 

"For both of you, son. Something... or _someone_... kept that man crawling when he couldn't get to his feet any more. I knew if anyone could accomplish that mission, it would be Shepard." 

He stops speaking, a coughing spasm wracking his chest, thinner than I remember seeing him. I hand him a cup of water sitting on the bedside table and he takes a few slow sips before trying to speak again. "Before I passed out... I told him he should think about settling down, raising a family..."

"Maybe we'll get to do that, sir. And you as well."

"I don't know about that. But it was good to see Kahlee again. Maybe we'll buy that little place in London after all. I hear some of the outlying neighborhoods aren't as damaged as the central areas." 

He draws himself as upright in bed as he can and salutes me. "Major. You should get back to the commander. He needs you."

I return his salute. "Thank you. It's where I belong right now."

"You've both done enough. Getting the _Normandy_ home safely without the relays - that was well done."

"That was mainly Joker's doing. I recommended him for a commendation as soon as we hit the Sol system."

Anderson nods and I knew he was making a mental note to follow up on that request. "Probably a few other commendations in order for that crew too, Major. I'll expedite it."

I hadn't realized he was already at work helping to rebuild the Alliance forces from his hospital bed, but somehow it's not surprising.

"As for you, take all the time you need now, Kaidan. And make sure someone lets me know when Shepard's awake."

As I return to John's room, I find myself smiling. This was a better ending than any of us had ever expected... probably least of all Shepard. As I sink back into the chair by his bed, I take his hand and whisper the news. 

It won't spoil Anderson's surprise.

_______________________________________

 


	3. Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filling in some missing pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place approximately 9 weeks after the end of the Reaper war, at the hospital in London where Shepard is still unconscious. Kaidan has been there with him for a little over a week. Kahlee and Anderson are a long-established couple who've had too little time to spend together. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Major..."

Startled by an unexpected but somehow familiar voice, the pad I was reading tumbles to the floor. That's my story at least. I had _not_ just been caught napping again... Turning without getting up from the chair by John's bed, I'm surprised by the sight of someone I haven't seen in a long time.

"Kaidan! It's you! I almost didn't recognize you!"

"Kahlee! Good to see you! I guess we're pretty far from Grissom Academy."

Scrambling to my feet, I reach out a hand to greet her only to have it bypassed in favor of a quick hug. "I'm so glad you got back here with the _Normandy_. It was one of the first things David asked about when he regained consciousness."

"I hope _you_ were the very first thing."

She shakes her head and laughs, the sound making her sound far younger than her age. "You know better than that, Kaidan."

I follow her gaze as it shifts to the man in the bed behind me, still unconscious. 

"Ahh, okay. Did you forgive him for that?"

Her smile is all the answer I'll ever get. "We're good. Just so amazed and lucky to both be alive."

There's a folding chair in the tiny personal effects closet and I nod to Kahlee that she should take the chair by the bed. But she refused, taking the small chair from me and positioning it right next to the other one. "This one is more my size than yours. Be comfortable. I thought maybe we could talk a little."

I guess I must be getting used to talking in front of Shepard... everyone else does it - the medical staff, the other visitors. But somehow I feel like we should be including him in the conversation in some way. So I take his hand again. 

"Sure. I'm glad you stopped by to see us. How is Anderson doing? I was pretty surprised to find him alive and well and just one floor below us here."

"He's having a physical therapy session right now. I was just in the way, so I thought I'd take the time to go visiting."

"Physical therapy? For his legs? He mentioned that he couldn't feel them. Was it a spinal cord injury?"

She shakes her head. "No, fortunately not. His legs were crushed pretty badly under debris from the explosion when the Crucible fired. I think he was already unconscious, or mostly so, from blood loss." She pauses for a deep breath. "They found him just in time... I don't know how. I thought he and Shepard were the only ones who made it to the beam."

"Maybe others followed them up when the fighting stopped?"

"Possibly. I was still in the HQ bunker with my team. Jack and her squad had been in the middle of some pretty heavy fire, but she reported in that everything they were fighting just _stopped_. Keeled over. Reapers fell from the sky. Strangest damned sight. And the most unbelievably welcome thing."

Her voice is so calm talking about it all. I guess she's had some time to process everything. "I don't know anything about what happened there, except what Anderson told me the other day about being shot by the Illusive Man..." I clasp John's hand a little tighter. "And Shepard pushing on to somehow do whatever he did to get it to fire. Maybe he'll be able to tell me more... one day."

Kahlee touches my arm lightly, her fingers deliberately touching the red stripe on John's hoodie. "He did it, Kaidan. Whatever he did, it saved us all."

When she drops her hand, I scrub my forearm across my eyes, and turn the conversation back to Anderson before I get too emotional. "So they think once the damage to the bones and tissues are repaired, he might regain normal leg function?"

She nods. "And the nerve damage. That's what they're really waiting to find out about. The rest they could rebuild... and did. They said maybe they could try some assistive tech if the nerves don't regenerate. Meanwhile they want to keep exercising his legs."

I find myself sucking on my lower lip, wondering how any of this might also apply to Shepard's recovery. "It sounds like a long road, but Anderson is tough. He'll get through it."

She must have caught my glance at John. "So will Shepard. They don't come any stronger, Kaidan. I'll never forget how determined he was to save all the students at Grissom. He's fought this hard to get back here – the rehab therapy will be take some time for him too, but he'll have you to help him get through it."

"Yeah. He will. That thought kept me going on the whole trip back here at FTL on the _Normandy_ – that he'd need me as much as I needed him. Hackett got the news to us as soon as he could that Shepard was found alive. Once I heard that, I probably leaned on Joker to push the engines as hard as he could... to get back here."

Just watching Shepard breathing, feeling his pulse in the hand I'm holding... I could get lost in that. Maybe I did. Kahlee is saying something that I've half missed.

"... wondered how long you two have been..." 

"Sorry... I needed a minute. How long? For _me_? Forever, it feels like. For _us_... I was afraid it wasn't going to be long enough. Not until a little while after the Citadel coup, when I was back on the _Normandy_. Before that he’d visited me when I was in Huerta Memorial… we cleared the air about some things. It might have started then for him…”

She pats my hand, the one holding John's. "I'm happy for you both. You two deserve some time to just make a life together."

"I could say the same for you and Anderson."

Her smile reaches her eyes, sparkling. "We will."

_______________________________________

 


	4. Spectre Authority

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updates and mission planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place approximately 3 months after the end of the Reaper war, at the hospital in London where Shepard is still unconscious. Kaidan has been there with him for about a month. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

"Major! Good to see you again - it's a pleasant surprise. I don't get a lot of visitors... aside from some otherwise lovely people who want to poke me for blood. Come in, and have a seat."

"Just thought I'd stop by and give you an update on Commander Shepard's condition. I don't know if anyone else passes along any news about him."

There are a pair of chairs on one side of his bed. On the other side, his standard tray table has been replaced by one large enough to hold a terminal and serve as a desk. 

"Looks like you've been too busy working to entertain guests, Admiral."

He snorts a laugh and wave dismissively at the terminal. "There's a lot to be done, just coordinating our remaining Alliance forces, deploying them for repair details - everything from bringing power stations on Earth back online to working toward reactivating the mass relays. Doesn't take any legwork to make those assignments - so I'm the perfect guy for the job."

I'm noticing the view from his window. This is the other side of the hospital from John's room and there's much more evidence of ongoing salvage and reconstruction work. "It's a big job, that's for sure. Massive. Even just here in London. But it sounds like there's been pretty good progress toward reducing the need for power and water rationing."

Anderson nods, activating his omni tool. "I'm able to contact Kahlee directly now, too. She's spending a lot of time up on the Citadel. I'm surprised that more sections weren't destroyed when the Crucible was activated. A lot of the wards are pretty much intact - once the power and utilities were stabilized, residents were able to resume fairly normal lives. Not much transit in or out though, not till the Charon relay is working again.

"What's Kahlee doing there? And, not to presume to speak for Shepard, but if she wants to use the apartment there, she's more than welcome. Assuming it's still intact."

"Should be. She said the Silversun Strip is coming back to life. Seems you can't keep people from their gambling for long. At least they're holding some charity events. I suspect there are a lot of war orphans and refugees that could use some help.” 

“Yeah. The docks were packed with them... I’m sure there are even more now, with no one and nowhere to go.”

He shakes his head, sighing. “I'll ask Kahlee about whether she wants to use the apartment. My guess is probably not... unless she gets the urge to play the piano. That was her favorite part about that place. I bought it for her... thought maybe she'd visit more often..."

There's something in his voice that reminds me that those two didn't get much time to spend together. At least Shepard and I were on the same ship. 

"Kahlee is looking to set up an interim facility for the Ascension project somewhere on the Citadel. Those kids deserve to continue their education."

"Do you think Grissom Academy will be useable again some day? Once the relays are working again..."

"We hope so. But it might still be worth having an additional facility here in the Sol system." He pauses, giving me a small smile. "This old man has an ulterior motive for supporting _that_ program. It might keep Kahlee on this side of the galaxy more of the time. Maybe enough to make it worth it to finally buy that house together in London."

Returning his smile, I nod my agreement. "I can see where that would be a pretty big incentive. You two deserve some time together, after all this... Do you have a place picked out?"

He shakes his head. "It's just an old dream. I grew up in London... couldn't wait to get away... see the world. Funny how that turns out sometimes. When I was back in London with the Resistance, I fell in love with the place again. Now I want to have a little townhouse, or maybe a bungalow... something with a backyard garden to putter around in. Something in town... close enough to walk to the pub or enjoy an open-air market." He lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "I just have to convince Kahlee that it wouldn't be the dullest place in the galaxy."

Anderson's expression could only be termed wistful. I hope this works out for them. "What about you, Kaidan? You must have some plans."

I shake my head. "No plans beyond seeing Shepard wake from that coma. What happens after that will be guided by what kind of rehab he needs... and where he wants to do it. My place is by his side through it all. I won't leave him to face that alone."

I'm not sure what kind of response to expect from him. I've been mentally prepared to resign my Alliance commission if active duty ends up being my only option. Maybe I could still do some work with the Council... Luckily neither the Alliance nor the Council has shown any signs of forcing the issue.

"What about your family? I seem to remember that they live in... Vancouver? Is that right?"

"Good memory, sir. They had a place in Vancouver, but my dad's family also has an orchard in the BC interior. My mother is living there now - they got out of Vancouver on the day of the Reaper attack."

"Your mom is there - I presume you've been in contact since you got back to Earth? And what about your father?"

I rub the back of my wrist across my forehead. I should have expected that question. "My father dropped Mom off at the orchard and reported for active duty. He'd been in the Reserves for years. Mom never heard from him again until she got a notification that he was MIA. This was before the end of the war. She still has no other information - neither a confirmation of KIA nor anything else... just nothing. Hard not to guess what that probably means…”

My frustration must be showing. Anderson shakes his head, lips set in a tight line. "That's rough. On her... on you. Just the uncertainty. Not knowing whether to grieve or not, or how long to hold onto hope." 

"Yeah. I don't know... I wish I could do something to help her."

He considers the matter for a few moments before making a suggestion. "Maybe you could. You, in particular. You're still a Spectre, correct?"

"Yes. I notified the Council when I returned to Earth that I'd need to take some leave. They were very accommodating."

"But you have your Spectre codes... those could come in handy if you were trying to sift through information. Maybe trying to trace your father's assignment so you'd know where to direct inquiries... I'm not telling you to do it, mind you, but it seems like an option."

I shake my head. "The thought occurred to me, but... I don't know... It sounds selfish. With all the people MIA, why should my dad be more important to find?"

Anderson's voice is barely audible. "Because he is your father." 

He lets that sink in and I consider the idea. 

"Think about this then. Would you do that kind of investigation for anyone else - someone who isn't your own father?"

I nod slowly. "I have already. My cousin in Alberta… her husband is MIA too. He has a baby daughter that he's never seen. I put out a few inquiries - nothing has panned out yet."

"Add to that query, then. Do it for your mother if not for yourself. And you'll be doing it to trace his whole squad, so that's quite a few other families presently in limbo. Now, I'm no Spectre, you know that. But I don't see it as abuse of your authority. Just think about it."

"I will, sir. Thank you."

I almost forgot the reason for my visit. "I came to tell you that Shepard's medical team tells me he should come out of that coma sometime within the next few days. They can't tell me how lucid he'll be... but I'm hoping..."

"That's good news, son. He'll have a lot to catch up on, but it will help to have a familiar face right there." His face clouds, like a shadow has fallen over him, making the furrows etched in his face suddenly look deeper. "You should probably know something, Major. Those last minutes of the war – before the Crucible fired - those minutes were brutal. I don't think Shepard thought he'd live through it. Be careful around that. There could be triggers to some pretty bad flashbacks."

That thought has occurred to me too. Shepard has always had to deal with some pretty horrific dreams and flashbacks. I've helped him through more than a few of them, just holding him, anchoring him. 

My throat has gone dry at the reminder, and my voice comes out husky. "I'll be careful. I plan to let him tell me things at his own pace. I'll just be there to listen, and to help him realize he's alive. He's had trouble with nightmares before..." 

Another thought occurs to me. "You said he'd probably think you died. I know I did... we even put up your name plaque on the _Normandy_ memorial wall. I don't know... do you want me to tell him, or just to prepare him for an unexpected survivor and let you tell him yourself?"

He considers the question, seeming to weigh both options. "I'll talk with him about it – I can probably arrange to visit him by using a wheelchair, but a little warning would probably be good. I'll leave that decision to you."

"All right, then. That sounds like a plan, sir. Now I'd probably better get back to him. After all this time, I'd hate to not be there when he does wake up. It was good to talk to you again."

"I appreciate the visit, Major. Be sure to think about making some inquiries about your father. And take care of Shepard."

I consider a salute, but settle for a nod.

_______________________________________

 


	5. No Dominion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _And death shall have no dominion_ \- Dylan Thomas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the London hospital where Shepard has been in a coma for three and a half months, ever since being found barely alive after ending the Reaper War. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

"Major Alenko?"

I must have dozed off... 

"Major?"

Blinking my eyes against the brightness of the morning light, it finally registers that one of Shepard's doctors wants to talk to me. Not the guy who'd tried to evict me a couple weeks ago – he never came back, as far as I know. I've talked with Dr. Connolly on several occasions. She's always been professional, but supportive, and I have confidence in her skill and gratitude for her empathy. "Sorry, Doctor. I guess I dozed off for a bit. Is there news?"

"I wanted to let you know that the Commander's latest blood tests show clearance of the major sedatives. There's no reason he shouldn't be able to regain consciousness soon." 

"That's great news... isn't it?"

Her carefully neutral expression doesn't change.

"You need to know that we have no idea how much the trauma might have affected his cognitive function. He might not even recognize you."

My deepest fear... 

"I understand. Still hoping for the best..."

It could be hours still, or longer, but I don't want to leave the room. Not even to get a cup of coffee. I have some protein ration bars in my pack; those will do for breakfast. After all this time, I don't want to miss being right here when those blue eyes open again. 

"Major Alenko?"

This time the query is hesitant rather than authoritative. Concentrating on reading one of the novels that Tali had left for me on her last visit, I didn't hear anyone enter the room. 

''I brought you some coffee... if you'd like some. I was passing by the coffee stand on my way to work and thought you might be here."

It's one of the young nursing assistants who has been helping to take care of Shepard since before I got back to Earth. I only know her as Karen and she always seems to greet me with a sunny smile. 

"That's really nice of you, Karen. You didn't need to do that, but you probably knew I wouldn't turn it down." Lifting the lid on the cup releases a welcome whiff of my favorite dark roast. 

She hands me several packets of creamer and sweetener. "I didn't know how you take it, but maybe these will be enough." She looks apologetically at the sweetener packets. "No real sugar these days... the war and all."

"This is great. Thank you so much. I've lived on Alliance coffee for so long that it's a treat to get a cup with real flavor. I owe you one, Karen."

She glances over at the bed and the monitors. "I heard that he might be waking up soon. I hope so... he's been out for a long time." She adjusts the bed to shift his position a little to relieve pressure on his hip. "He's going to need some time to learn to walk again and all."

"I'll just be glad to have him back with me. The rest will happen. I'll still be here to help with all that - I know the physical therapists are spread pretty thin, with the patient load you have here."

"He's lucky to have you here. Most of them don't seem to have anyone." She pulls out a clean pillowcase and I help with lifting John's shoulders while she replaces the one on the pillow behind his head. There's little enough I've been able to do to help, but this has become something of a ritual that I do with Karen. Makes me feel a little useful anyway. "There, all clean and fresh for when he wakes up."

After she moves on to other patients, I savor the coffee and try to think of something nice I could do to thank her.

_______________________________________

 

It's not until mid-afternoon when it finally happens. It's been raining all week, but the sun came out for a little while late this morning. 

"Kai... Kaidan?"

The voice is weak but unmistakable. The voice I feared I'd never hear again.

"Shepard! Oh god, John, you're finally awake..."

"Alive? You're... not dead?"

I want to gather him to me, let him rest his cheek against my heart so he'll know I'm really alive. But I can't... the tubes and wires that hold him together won't allow it. All I can do is take his hand. The hand I've held for weeks now. The hand that fits so perfectly into mine.

"Not dead... and neither are you. You found a way to win."

He seems dazed at my words and I feel the weakest of squeezes to my hand. I lift it to my lips and kiss his palm before scooting my chair closer to his bed and placing his hand against my chest. My heart is racing, but at least he'll feel it beating.

His voice is hoarse, rough from long disuse, but he struggles to release the words bottled up inside. "Win? I guess. You're alive... so it must be. But the nightmares... wouldn't end. Everything fuzzy, blood-hazed maybe. All my choices wrong. Anderson dead. Everyone dead... Trying to scream, but no voice... no sound." 

He gulps a raspy breath, and then forges ahead. "... closed my eyes... one last time..." 

He struggles to sit up, frustrated by the rigging on the bed and his own weakness. "Now I open them... and it's you. Alive... _alive_... god, Kaidan, you're safe."

I stroke my thumb across his palm slowly, willing him to calm.

"Ssshh, John. Don't try to talk too much. It's over. You did nearly die... unconscious for nearly three months. But you lived. You cheated death this one last time. Never do that again. Please... _never_ do that again."

The squeeze of my hand is a little tighter. It feels like a promise. "One thing... need to tell you, Kaidan. When I died before – at Alchera – my last thought was of you. That you'd live." He takes another, deeper, breath. "Firing my last shots... on the Citadel – death all around me – your face was all I could see."

I never knew that... about his death. That he would have been thinking of me in those last moments, before I'd ever said anything about my feelings. I kiss his fingertips again and press his hand against my cheek, wet with tears.

He's silent for long moments. I hope my tears haven't upset him.

"Kaidan... stay with me?"

"Always."

_______________________________________

 


	6. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all the choices are wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the London hospital not long after Shepard awakened from the coma he'd been in for three and a half months. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

"Kaidan?"

His voice startles me out of another daydream. I seems I can't get enough of watching him. The sun is out again today and the light falls across his face. It smooths some of the lines etched there - more prominent now that he's lost so much weight – and washes out the dark shadows around his eyes. He's beautiful to me. 

"Would you like me to adjust the shades? Looks like that light might be in your eyes."

He shakes his head but tries to pull himself more upright in the bed to move his eyes out of the glare. "I like it... reminds me I'm alive. So much darkness, Kaidan... 

I reach for his hand, holding it between mine. "I can't begin to imagine. But right now, just know that it's over."

For a moment, I can feel him relaxing as he lets out a long breath. But he tenses up again almost immediately. 

"Not for everyone... I don't know, I guess..."

I don't want to anticipate his concerns, trying to let him articulate them himself, at his own pace.

"There was something... part of a choice...” His forehead wrinkles as he tries to remember. "EDI... what about EDI?"

There's no way to soften that one. "She didn't make it, John. Any units using Reaper tech just stopped functioning... EDI, the geth... We don't know if she – or the geth – can be revived. Joker said he thought she left a backup program – buried somewhere, protected – but I don't know if anyone has had any luck with finding it or getting that to work..."

"Joker?"

"As you might expect. He did an amazing job getting the _Normandy_ back here to Earth in spite of it all... I put him in for a commendation."

"That won't help. Kaidan, he loved her. And I killed her... and killed all the geth we fought so hard to save..."

His voice trails off and he closes his eyes, retreating into himself.

"Shepard... you wouldn't have done that if you had a choice. I _know_ that. I know _you_. There must been some tradeoff that forced that choice."

"There was no way to win. No way to save everyone... All the choices were wrong..." 

The dull monotone of his voice breaks my heart. It's so far from the joy I heard just a few days ago as his long disused voice broke when he first woke up and saw me, discovering that we were both alive. I realize how little I know about what actually happened there on the Citadel, about these _choices_ he's talking about. All I know is what Anderson told me, and he didn't mention choices... only that they had to deal with the Illusive Man.

I'm not sure anything I say can make Shepard feel any worse than he does right now, so I decide to ask. "Can you tell me about the choices? Who offered them? Was it the Illusive Man?"

Shepard shudders and I reach over to draw his blanket up around his shoulders, so much thinner than they should be. Despite the brightness of the sun outside, his hand is cold. 

But he's trying to explain. Maybe talking about it will help. "Not the Illusive Man... already dead. Indoctrinated as hell... tried to control _me_. Forced me to shoot Anderson... tried again to get me to join him. Thought I was going to have to shoot him... but he turned his gun on himself just before I did." The words take a lot out of him and he slumps back against his pillows. "Anderson died of that wound... one more death on my account."

I don't know whether to tell him right now or not... but I have to say something.

"John, whether he died or not, from what you just told me, it wasn't you who would have killed him. You were being controlled... and if you knew it, so did Anderson. I'm sure of it. So cross that one off the guilt list, okay?"

His reply is slow in coming, but he finally nods. "He didn't blame me... told me... god, Kaidan, he told me he was proud of me. I fucking pulled the trigger that shot him and he tells me he's proud of me... _proud_..." 

As his voice breaks, John's fingers curl around mine, squeezing - not firmly, but with the strongest grip he can manage... like my hand is all that's keeping him anchored right now. 

"It's okay, John. Just breathe." I murmur softly to him as he struggles with the surfacing memories and emotions. "Anderson must have forgiven any part you had in it. But what about the choices? If not from the Illusive Man, where did that come into play?"

He's silent for a long time, eyes closed. "A little later. I don’t know exactly... somehow got the Crucible docked but it wouldn't fire. Hackett... needed something more from me. I'm not sure of things after that."

Always. There was always something more asked of him... he'd given everything he had in order to get that far... then he had to find _more_ to give.

"Remember my nightmare? You woke me from it so many times... the dead orchard... the child?"

"Yeah... did you have that dream again while you were there?"

He shakes his head. "Not a dream... or maybe it was, or I was hallucinating... I don't know what was fucking real. But that child was the one telling me I had to choose. All I wanted was to fire the damn Crucible and have it all be over."

I stroke the cold fingertips curled around mine. "Choose between what... this seems important..."

"Told me I could somehow control the Reapers myself... like hell. That would be the last thing I'd ever want. Or I could make some bizarre fusion thing happen... merging synthetic and biological life. I shudder to even think about it now, forcing a change like that on every living being. And the dream kid was pushing that option hard. So it had to be wrong..."

"And there was another choice?"

"Yeah. To do what I came there to do. Destroy the damn Reapers... taking all AI life in the process.” He pauses, shaking his head as he tries to sort out dream from reality. “I _must_ have talked to him... or to someone... Otherwise how would I have known that would happen?"

"Could that information have been in some briefing from Hackett or the team working on the Crucible?"

"I don't think so." He takes a ragged breath. "Kaidan, I _somehow_ knew EDI wouldn't survive... but I did it. Made that choice. Completed the mission. The last thing I remember was seeing your face..." His voice breaks again as he struggles to get out the last words. "You... smiled at me as I fired and the world went dark."

I don't want to release his hand, but I can see the tears on his cheeks and he doesn't have the use of his other hand to wipe them away. On an impulse, I get up from the chair and push a few tubes out of my way so that I can perch on the side of his bed. Bringing my hand to his face, I cup his cheek, wiping tears with my fingertips. They are silent tears and his eyes never leave mine.

With my hand still resting against his cheek, I lean in and press my lips to his, feeling no answering pressure for a long moment until he yields and returns the kiss as best he can. I hear one of his monitors start to beep and know I don't have long before someone comes in to check on him. I whisper against his lips. "I love you, I love you..."

I'm just sinking back into my chair as a nurse pushes open the door and begins to check his vitals. Either she shut off the alarm or it stops beeping as his breathing and heart rate return to normal.

"Commander Shepard... are you having trouble breathing?"

He shakes his head, murmuring "No, not now. I'm fine."

The nurse looks skeptical, glancing between the two of us, not sure what to make of the episode. I decide to speak up. "He had a bit of a flashback... I think it's over now. It probably sent his heart rate up though."

"Maybe I should call one of the doctors... or the psychologist..."

John shakes his head and his _'No need for that'_ is one of the most forceful things I've heard him express.

"If you feel it's necessary… but I think he'll be okay and I'll keep an eye on him. I'll try to avoid talking about things that might be triggering."

After she leaves, John whispers his thanks. "For everything, Kaidan... for being here."

"Nowhere else I want to be. Just with you. We'll get through this. We've come this far together."

He nods, and the sunlight strikes his face again, making his eyes look impossibly blue. "I guess you know now what kissing you does to my heart rate."

"I hope they unhook you from that monitor soon... so we can do it again."

"And more..."

His teasing words and his smile make me sure we'll be okay.

_______________________________________________

 

I hate to risk that smile by sharing the news about Anderson. It should be welcome, but it's going to come as a shock to him. "John, there's one other thing – it's a piece of good news. I didn't know how much you remembered about what happened on the Citadel, so I didn’t mention it right away. But Anderson survived it... He's been asking to see you."

All color drains out of Shepard's face. He was already pale from the months in the hospital, but right now he looks like the ghost he must think I've seen. I was half-afraid the heart monitor would alarm again, but John seems to shutting down more than getting upset. 

"Kaidan? What are you saying?"

I repeat the news. There's not much I can change about how to say it. Shepard's hand is cold in mine and is trembling a little.

"How is that even possible? He was sitting next to me... fading. The gunshot wound... I know he was losing blood. Eyes glazing..." His voice trails off into long moments of silence. "I told him to stay with me... but Kaidan, he was gone..."

"I don't know, John. Maybe he just passed out from the blood loss. The good news is he _didn't_ die. His legs were crushed in the rubble after the blast, but he's recovering... hopes to be able to walk again." 

Shepard shakes his head, still trying to process it all. "That's amazing... good that the damage could be repaired." He glances at his own legs, still healing, covered by the thin blanket. "Sounds like he might be walking around before I am..."

Something is still bothering him. I'm not going to push him to talk about it... let him bring it up in his own time. He slips his hand from mine and rubs the knuckles across his eyes. I reach for a tissue from the bedside table, handing it to him silently. 

"It's okay. I know it's a hell of a surprise. I just thought you'd want to know. He wants to visit you, but how that happens is up to you. Wait till you're comfortable with the idea."

He holds on to the tissue the way he'd gripped my hand earlier. "Kaidan... losing him hurt so much. Not just because I had something to do with it. Anderson... he was kind of a father to me in a way. Seeing him die was like losing... family, you know?" 

The hell with the monitors. I move to sit on the edge of the bed again, and this time I gather John in my arms – not so different from the times when I've helped Karen change his pillowcase – but I leave my arms around him this time. He rests his head against my shoulder, his hand pressed against my chest. Cradled close, I rock him slowly. He might have shed a few more tears, I don't know. It doesn't matter. 

"Kaidan..." Nothing more, just my name. 

Leaning my cheek against his head, I'm surprised by how different it feels from the way I remember it. His hair has grown out some, so slowly that I never really took much notice while he was lying in bed. I drop a kiss into it, dark and soft. 

"Before I meet with Anderson... give me a little time? I don't feel like myself yet... god knows I don't look like anyone he'd remember."

I nod against his hair. I can arrange to get him a haircut if he wants one, and find something he'd be more comfortable wearing, but I'm not sure it's all about that. 

"Take all the time you need. Sometimes good news is as hard to accept as bad news. He's not going anywhere... and he'll understand. Oh, and Kahlee Sanders is here with him."

He looks up at me finally, smiling. "Good. I hope she'll stay... maybe they can finally settle down in London."

I return the smile and kiss him softly. "I hope so."

_______________________________________________

 


	7. Dressed For the Occasion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking good, Commander!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the London hospital, four and a half months after the end of the Reaper war. It is Kaidan's voice.

 

"Kaidan? What are you wearing?"

"My hoodie? Is there something wrong with it?"

Shepard shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I guess I’ve gotten used to seeing you in my N7 one though."

"I thought you might need it today. Anderson wants to meet up with you for a visit and it seemed to me like you might want to be wearing something a little more appropriate than that damn hospital gown." His smile makes my little surprise worth it. "It's just not your color... and I'd prefer to keep the bare-ass look for my own enjoyment."

"Come here, Kaidan. This deserves a kiss!"

I settle onto the edge of his bed – with much less hindrance from wires and tubes today than the first time I tried this. He reaches up to hook an arm around my neck and draw me close enough for our lips to meet and linger a little. "How did you know?"

"I know you, Shepard. Well enough to know what embarrasses you. And this seemed like such an easy thing to fix, now that you're disconnected enough from all those damn monitors." I lay the black N7 hoodie over his lap and his fingers immediately trace the red stripe on the sleeve. "Let me help you put it on. I brought you a t-shirt for underneath it, and a pair of sweatpants. They're mine, so they might be a little loose, but it's better than nothing."

"Much better." He buries his face in the soft fabric of the t-shirt for a moment. "Would be even better if it wasn't so clean... if it smelled like you." He wraps his hand around my wrist and pulls it to his lips to kiss it, a gesture he must have picked up from me... one that warms me deep inside.

Pushing the flimsy gown off his shoulders and replacing it with the t-shirt, I'm glad he has both arms free now, although his left hand is still bandaged to protect the extensive skin grafts. He takes a deep breath and lets it out as a happy sigh when he slips his arms through the sleeves of the well-worn N7 hoodie.

"This at least smells like you, Kaidan."

I can feel my ears getting a little warm. "When I first started wearing it – on the _Normandy_ during the trip home... it smelled like _you_. Actually, I guess I didn't wear it so much as slept with it by my pillow. That was the only way I could manage to fall asleep in the days before we learned you were alive..."

John's eyes meet mine, his voice very quiet. "I'm sorry."

I blink a few times, dropping my gaze to focus on straightening the stripe on his shoulder, emotions too close to the surface. "Yeah. I won't lie to you. It was rough. I knew that if you were gone, that this death had more... I don't know... _purpose_ , I guess? Saving the galaxy… But losing you again hurt even more than when you died at Alchera."

He isn't going to let it go and reaches for my hand. "Kaidan. Look at me... please." 

I do, and he places my hand beneath the hoodie, over his heart. "I can't promise never to die again... it will happen sometime. But I want a lot more years together first."

Cupping his chin with my other hand, I touch my lips to his and whisper against them. "Many more years..."

________________________________________________

 

I hate to break the mood, but Anderson will be expecting us. "Okay, now let me help you get these sweatpants on."

He's not able to lift his legs very much yet, especially not the one with the hip replacement, so it's a cooperative effort. I slide one pants leg and then the other over his feet and ankles, managing to get them pulled up just over his knees. 

I need to pull the sheet away in order to continue. In other circumstances, he'd be irresistible, lying there looking like that... but half- _undressed_ rather than half-dressed. I admire him for a moment, making sure he knows I appreciate the view, licking my lips as my gaze travels up his body to meet his eyes. I know it's not the time, but I rest my hand on his hip for a long moment... a promise for more on some day soon.

I could call one of the aides to help lift his hips, but decide that being a biotic must have some advantages, and I'd rather help him myself. "Hold on, John, I’m going to lift you a little. Just trust me. You've felt my biotic fields before."

After one more unsuccessful effort to lift his hips from the mattress on his own, he nods. "Okay. You know I trust you... and I remember every inappropriate use of biotics in bed... with pleasure."

“Inappropriate? Never!” 

While he’s distracted, I let the biotics flare. It's not my most graceful biotic move, but it does the job, lifting him just enough for me to finish getting the pants on. As the blue field fades, I tighten the drawstring around his waist, not wanting them to slip down and undo all our work here.

When I catch a glimpse of his face, he's smirking. "What?"

"Nothing. Just never thought I'd go commando to a meeting with my CO."

My laughter seems to release his and I wrap my arms around him as we enjoy the humor in the situation together.

"I have full confidence in your dignity, Commando... err, _Commander_ Shepard. You've survived worse deployments. Now let's get someone to help you transfer to a wheelchair and we'll be on our way... next stop – patient lounge."

"Kaidan... thank you. Just thank you... What would I do without you?"

"You'll never find out."

________________________________________________

 


	8. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apprehensive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the London hospital, four and a half months after the end of the Reaper war. Shepard has been making slow progress toward recovery from the injuries had left him in a coma for over two months. Anderson has also been recovering from his injuries. 
> 
> The first section is from Kahlee's POV, and the rest is Shepard's voice.

 

"David, Kaidan just messaged me that he and Shepard will meet us in the patient lounge in a few minutes. Are you ready?"

He takes a moment to log off from the terminal by his bed before reaching for a uniform shirt to put over the well-worn black t-shirt. "Yes, I think so."

Slipping up behind him, I wrap my arms around his waist and hug into his back. He catches my hands between his own and we share a quiet moment. 

"Are you worried about it? Seeing Shepard again?"

He turns, taking my hands again and meeting my eyes. "Worried? No... maybe nervous a little. Not sure why..."

"Maybe because neither of you expected to see each other again? You probably said your goodbyes... then suddenly you're both still alive. I can see where it might feel awkward, at least at first." 

He takes a little time to consider it, finally nodding and leaning in for a kiss. "You're probably right, Kahlee. I'll try to remember that it's probably just as uncomfortable for him. Kaidan told me Shepard had wanted to postpone the meeting for a bit, while he got used to the idea, I guess."

"Or maybe while he got used to being alive himself... he was in pretty bad shape for a long time. He might be self-conscious about his injuries or his appearance. I don't know him that well. It's just something to keep in mind."

"That's possible... he didn't like to show much vulnerability. Only a few people ever saw that side of Commander Shepard. I think that's probably how I guessed that he and Kaidan were close... I'm glad the Major is there for him now. They're good for each other." He steps away from me and straightens his collar. "But let's not keep them waiting." 

"We should be fine. Do you want to take the chair or use the walker?"

"Hmmm... don't much like either one. Where's that cane you brought me?"

I can see him frowning at the idea of any assistive devices, despite the fact that he's only been walking again for less than two weeks. 

"It's here, but that's a long walk with just the cane. You probably don't want to wear yourself out before you get there. Maybe you could take the chair for most of the way and then use the cane to move around in the lounge area?"

He mulls the idea over for a moment before nodding. "All right. The cane is fine... that walker makes me feel like an old man. I suppose Shepard isn't getting around very well yet either."

"Kaidan says he's only been out of bed a few times so far. He's not able to walk yet... two physical therapists have helped him stand a couple of times. It's going to be a long rehab for him."

David transfers himself to his wheelchair without much difficulty. He's made a lot of progress pretty quickly... sheer determination. 

Saying there's nothing wrong with his arms, he always declines any assistance from the aides in terms of helping him get around in the wheelchair. Still, I follow close behind him. 

"Okay then. I checked to make sure that the special snack trays were delivered. Thought it might be nice to have something to offer the Commander besides the usual applesauce and pudding cups."

“Don’t forget the jello… it comes in three colors.”

“All of which taste the same.”

"I imagine he gets tired of those choices."

"He'd never admit it, Kahlee. He's a soldier... lived on rations most of his life. Not much variety there either. This is meant to be a treat. Kind of a welcome home present."

"What did you order? Ice cream? Steak?'

He pulls up by the elevator. There's usually a wait. "Not this time. Although from what I've heard, Major Alenko probably wouldn't say no to the steak. But he told me what Shepard would probably like most… beside a shot and a beer.”

I laugh, imagining Kaidan making that request for him. “I’m sure he’d appreciate that!”

“Once he’s out of here, I’ll buy him a round. He deserves it. But for now, a simple request, but not so easy to source with food supplies and shipments so disrupted by the war. Fruit. Fresh fruit. Kaidan says Shepard never had much of that, growing up on Alliance ships, and he would prowl the Citadel in search of any new shipments."

"Did you locate any? Probably not much available locally, not in March."

"I have a few connections. I'm not sure what they managed to turn up, but I asked about bananas, oranges, or even strawberries... And some good English tea."

The elevator finally arrives, the door squeaking a little as it slides open. Without asking, I provide a bit of discreet assistance in maneuvering our entry and exit.

"One question for you, David. After we all say hello, would you prefer that Kaidan and I excuse ourselves to give you and Shepard a chance to talk? We could go for coffee or take a walk... I don't think it's raining this afternoon."

He nods as we turn into the hallway leading to the visitors' dining room and patient lounge areas. "That's a good idea. I doubt we have any secrets to discuss, but it might be more comfortable with just the two of us. I'll leave the timing up to you. Oh, and hand me that cane before we get there. I'll park the chair somewhere out of the way."

"All right. How about here, then? I see Kaidan and Shepard over in the far corner, near the big windows. Looks like there's a couple of tables set up nearby."

I stand by, ready to lend an arm in assistance as he stands and finds his balance with the cane, but he's steady on his feet. 

"Looks like the Major has spotted us."

It's not the fastest walk across a room, but David manages it well. Shepard has his wheelchair parked by one of the tables, with Kaidan standing by his side.

As soon as we're in range, the greetings begin. "Commander Shepard! You're looking good. So glad to see you out and about."

"Anderson, it's good to see you...” Shepard's voice trails off and he shakes his head. "I never expected... I thought..." It seems like his carefully schooled composure is a pretty thin veneer.

Kaidan has quietly pushed an empty chair close to where Shepard is sitting, nodding to David that he should take it. But before he sits down, he draws himself to attention in front of the Commander and salutes. Ever a soldier, Shepard returns the salute smartly, though he's unable to stand. 

"You did it, Commander." David sinks onto the chair, clearly glad to be off his feet after the walk.

It takes a moment for Shepard to reply. " _We_ did it, Anderson. I'm just not sure how..."

David reaches out to rest a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "There'll be time to talk about it all. Neither of us is expected anywhere at the moment." He turns to Kaidan, who nods a greeting. "Major Alenko, it's good to see you again as well. Thank you for helping to set this up." He glances at the table. It looks like his requisition was successful. There's a bowl of various fresh fruits and a nice selection of teas and biscuits. 

"Thanks. It looks like someone went out of their way to locate some pretty nice snacks there." Kaidan pauses, catching my eye. "What I _don't_ see is any coffee, though. Maybe Kahlee and I should take a walk and locate some of the good stuff. One of the nurses' aides brought me some the other morning from a coffee bar not far from the hospital. We won't be gone too long. I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about."

It's impossible to miss the look exchanged between Kaidan and Shepard. The two of them clearly have a lot of experience at non-verbal communication. 

"That sounds good to me, Kaidan... if the two of you don't mind?"

David nods his agreement and I wait to see what Shepard will say about it. 

After exchanging one more look with his partner, he agrees. "I know Kaidan is suffering some serious coffee deprivation. Looks like the caterer forgot something important. Go ahead. We'll be fine here."

"We won't be long. Enjoy your tea."

___________________________________________________

 

There's a silence between us as we both watch Kaidan leave the lounge area with Kahlee. Anderson seems waiting for me to break it.

"That looked like a set-up."

Anderson chuckles, the same deep laugh I remember from him. "It could be. Those two are both pretty resourceful. But does it matter?"

The plan has Kaidan's prints all over it, but I can't bring myself to be annoyed with him. He has an uncanny ability to know what I need before I know I need it. That worked on the battlefield... it works in our relationship if I trust him.

"No, not really."

"At the risk of repeating myself... You did it, son. Whatever the hell you did, it worked. Neither of us would be here otherwise."

I don't know what to say, and blurt out the thought that's been on the tip of my tongue ever since Kaidan told me about his survival. "I thought you were dead... thought I'd killed you..."

"I think I'm a little harder to kill than that. The shot the Illusive Man used you to fire at me? I knew it wasn't you, Shepard." 

I must have given him a questioning look. 

"You don't miss.”

"Yeah. Glad he was a lousy shot. But still... we were sitting there... talking... You were fading pretty fast. I told you to stay with me. But after another few words, you went silent, slumped over. I figured the blood loss... I don't know. I'm kicking myself now, ever since Kaidan told me you made it. I didn't make sure..."

"Shepard. What the hell could you have done? Slap some medigel on me? I'm sure I passed out, probably bleeding out from the gut wound. I think you still had a job to do. We thought it was over, that we'd won. But I've talked to Hackett since then. He still needed something from you."

"Yeah. I didn't know what, only that I was still needed. I never would have left you otherwise." It suddenly hits me that I might have just stumbled onto the root of the guilt and shame I've been feeling. My voice comes out barely above a whisper. "I don't leave anyone behind."

Kaidan's plea echoes unbidden in my mind. But that was a choice to save him, not abandoning him to death. I hope it's different... but I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Anderson doesn't reply right away and I don't know what else to say either. The new skin on my damaged hand is starting to itch under the bandage and I rub the hand on my knee to relieve it. 

He seems to be considering his words, thinking about what I said. "I know you don't, son. But in this case, if you hadn't we probably wouldn't be having his conversation. The Reapers would own London... all of Earth. Hell, the whole damn galaxy. Whether it was a conscious choice or not, you did the right thing, Shepard." He clasps my shoulder for a long moment. "I'm proud of you."

I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear that again. "Thank you, sir. I did what I could."

"Yes. You did. And you got your ship and crew away to safety... and Major Alenko brought her home. He was the right man to leave in charge when you made your final push to that beam."

I must have given him a look at that comment. "He didn't think so. He thought I abandoned him too."

Anderson shakes his head slowly. "That's why you're the leader you are, Commander. You had a hard call to make there... and you made it." His voice softens. "Kaidan asked me if I had any problem with the two of you being together. I told him I have none whatsoever... that I thought it made you both stronger."

"Thank you, sir." My voice drops to almost a whisper. "Someone to live for..."

His reply is almost as quiet. “I think I might have heard that from someone else recently.”

That makes me smile.

________________________________________

 

"I asked you up there whether you'd ever thought about settling down... you said you liked the sound of that."

"I seem to recall saying I didn't think I'd be any good at it."

"I think you should give it a try. Take some time... recover your health. Build a life together. You've earned it. Both of you."

He doesn't seem to expect a decision, or even a reply, as he busies himself with examining the offerings on the snack table. 

"In the meantime, can I pour you a cup of tea? It would be a shame to let all this food go to waste."

"I wouldn't say no to a cup of good tea. No offense, but the hospital tea tastes like dishwater."

He chuckles, probably having had the same experience with it. "There's real sugar and milk if you take it that way. Consider this your welcome home party. I knew you wouldn't want a big thing made of it."

"You're right about that...” I glance down at my mismatched pants and hoodie. "I don't even have a proper uniform... and yeah, milk and sugar sound good. Light on both." I'm grateful that he's taking care of pouring the tea. I'm not sure my hands are steady enough to be trusted with hot liquids. "Thank you for this. That fruit looks pretty good. How'd you find it?"

"Help yourself!" He gives me the smile of a co-conspirator. "Let's just say I have some unofficial supply contacts here in London. Whatever you don't eat now, you should take back to your room."

"I'll start with a few strawberries for now. Save a banana for dinner time maybe."

He passes me a bowl with the berries, and picks out a few biscuits for himself, to go with the tea. I wrap my good hand around the teacup, enjoying the warmth. It seems I get cold more easily now. 

"If you don't mind a suggestion from me, Anderson... I think maybe you should take your own advice about settling down. You and Kahlee..."

"You're probably right, son. I'm working on it. I know for sure that I don't want to live anywhere but London. We're going to be looking for a place here... Kahlee and I."

That makes me smile. I remember his nostalgia for London from the recordings he'd left in the apartment. "Congratulations, sir. I hope you'll be able to find something you both like... if the whole city wasn't leveled in the war."

He nods, sipping his tea. "It wasn't. There are neighborhoods... I want a place with a little garden out back. An old townhouse or maybe a bungalow. Someplace where you can walk to a pub or an open-air market... where you can feel like part of the community."

"Sounds nice." And sounds not much like the apartment on the Citadel. "These strawberries taste amazing. Hard to believe they were available, with the war and all. I want to be sure to save some for Kaidan." 

"There are plenty left. What about you two? Thinking of staying in London after your initial rounds of rehab are done?"

I shake my head. Actually I haven't thought too hard about it, but one thing is clear to me. "We'll be going to Vancouver. That's home to Kaidan, and I know that's where he'll be happiest. All of Earth is new to me, so I'm pretty open to anywhere he wants to be."

He picks up another biscuit. "That's right. I remember now. He has family there."

"Yeah. His mother lives inland... they had a place in Vancouver, but I'm assuming it probably didn't survive the attack on downtown. That was brutal. And his dad is MIA... no other news yet."

"That's rough, not knowing. I'm afraid a lot of people will never hear anything for sure... just knowing how the Reapers operated. Bastards didn't usually leave much behind to be recovered."

"Kaidan hasn't given up yet. He talked about making some inquiries. I just hope they hear something, one way or the other. His mother being all alone is another reason for us wanting to find a place there."

"I hope so too. More tea?" He's just refilled his own cup. 

"Sure. It's the best I've tasted in a long time. The Alliance issue tea is slightly better than the stuff here in the hospital, but not by much. I could get used to this."

Looking up, I see Kaidan and Kahlee returning, each of them carrying a large covered travel cup. Kaidan puts his coffee down on the table and pulls a chair close to mine as Kahlee does the same next to Anderson. Kaidan reaches for my hand for a brief, gentle touch. Our eyes meet and we exchange a nod and a smile.

"Welcome back, I saved you some strawberries."

"Hey, thanks! Those look great." Reaching for one from my bowl, he pops it into his mouth. I wait for the smile. There it is. "All right – these are good. Who's your source, Admiral?"

Anderson returns the smile but shakes his head. "I'm afraid that information is still classified, Major."

Kahlee laughs, sipping her coffee as she eyes the remaining biscuits. I think Anderson already picked out all the best ones. "You and Shepard will have to go exploring London on your own, Kaidan. I've seen some of the little greengrocer shops reopening here and there."

"Sounds good to me... we just have to spring Shepard from this place for some excursion time. Should be possible soon, don't you think, John?"

"Hell, yes. I'm ready for that, even if you have to push me out the door in this damn wheelchair. I'm so tired of those four walls. Even getting this far out of the room today feels good."

Anderson sets his teacup down, waving aside the offer of a refill from Kahlee, and turns to me. "Seriously, Shepard, is there anything you need that I could help with? In addition to better tea?"

I have to think about that. "Well, the tea would be a start. And maybe a fresh uniform – there should be some in my cabin on the _Normandy_..." That reminds me of something else I’ve been meaning to ask about. "Speaking of the _Normandy_ , what's her status now? Kaidan mentioned plans for repairs and a refit. How's that going?"

Before replying, Anderson taps his omni tool and scans a few pages. "Looks like most things are on-schedule. But I won't lie to you. It's going to take some time. There are a lot of repairs to be done and the engineers to do it are stretched pretty thin, what with trying to get the Charon relay operational again as well." He gives me a smile that makes me think he might have guessed why I'm asking. "I think she might be ready for duty again about the same time you will be... if that's something you still want when the time comes."

"Thanks..." I glance at Kaidan – we haven't really talked about this. "It's good to know that might be an option... when the time comes."

Kaidan begins to reach for my hand, but pulls back and picks up his coffee cup instead. I’ll have to tease him later about handholding having become a hard habit to break. "I’m sure I could bring you anything you want from your cabin on the _Normandy_... clothes, data pads..."

"That would be great. How about my space hamster? I hope someone has been taking care of that little guy. We've been through a lot together."

Kaidan's smile and laughter make him seem suddenly young again, like some of the weight he's been carrying suddenly slipped off his shoulders. "You know I'd make sure he was okay. The fish are fine too – the VI feeding them wasn't damaged by the Crucible blast. As for the little guy, someone offered to adopt him temporarily – since I can't really bring him here to the hospital."

He sounds so apologetic about that... like he might actually have considered smuggling him in. "Who's the foster parent?"

"Jack! She's living on the Citadel, working with the Ascension project there, and offered to take care of him."

Kaidan and Kahlee exchange smiles. She must have known. Sneaky devils. "Jack sounds like a great choice. Thank her for me, Kahlee... next time you see her. I assume she still has her varren... _Eezo_ I think she called him?"

Kahlee nods. "Yes, she does. Her students love having him around. I'll probably see her in a day or so. I'm due back at work after taking some leave to spend time with David. We still have a couple of houses to look at while I'm here."

"Good luck with that!" I glance at Kaidan, wondering how long it will be until we can do the same.

He must be following my unspoken line of thought. "We'll get to that too... I'm looking forward to getting home to Vancouver." He rests a hand on my arm. It feels like reassurance, or maybe a promise. "You'll be walking soon, Shepard... and as soon as they'll let you out of here, we'll be on the next available shuttle to Vancouver. On Spectre authority if need be."

"I’ll hold you to that, Kaidan."

_______________________________________

 


	9. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The comforts of home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eight months after the end of the Reaper war, John and Kaidan are at their house near Vancouver. It is Kaidan’s voice.

 

"Hey, Kaidan! Did you have a good run?"

Shepard is relaxing on the deck, leg propped up on the low table in front of the cedar chairs. Looks like he's been watching the much-hyped super _Blasto_ marathon. He sets his tablet aside and reaches a hand toward me as I take the few steps up to the deck two at a time.

"Yeah. Beautiful day for it. Bit of a breeze off the water... felt good."

He offers his water bottle and I accept, grateful for a cold drink. Perching on the edge of the other deck chair to unlace my shoes, I catch him watching me. "How are you feeling? I felt bad going out alone this morning. I don't need to run, you know. I'm just as happy to walk with you. I know that treadmill probably gets pretty boring when there's a nice beach right outside."

John reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "I'm fine. Leg is bothering me a lot less now than when I first woke up. My hip was pretty stiff. Might have overdone it at therapy yesterday, I guess." 

"We can try a short walk later if you feel up to it… I got a message from Kahlee. She had to go deal with an emergency situation on the Citadel and asked if they could have a raincheck for dinner. So the day is free. Just let me know, okay? I’ll probably change before we do that."

Shepard nods, gazing beyond the deck toward the beach and the calm waters of the bay beyond it. "Maybe in a bit, once you've cooled down and feel like going out again." His voice turns wistful. "Looking forward to when we can run together."

"You'll get there. Give it time... it hasn't been all that long since you were taking your first steps without holding on to a rail or my arm."

"Don't remind me. I thought I'd never get out of that hospital..." His voice softens. "You had a lot of patience with a grumpy old soldier."

Some of the memories from those days are vivid – his first day at the parallel bars, supporting most of his weight on his arms as he struggled to take small steps, only gradually trusting his legs to carry him a few feet forward.

Rubbing my hand over his thigh, it's easy to feel the difference in muscle mass between then and now. He’s not back to the shape he was in during the war, but he’s determined to get there. "You were entitled to some grumpiness. That was hard, painful work. But when you did it, when you let go of my arm and trusted your cane, I was so proud of you."

He smiles in spite of the painful memories. "The time I like to remember is the day I crossed the room on my own... you were waiting for me there."

That day is etched in my heart too. He hadn't taken his eyes off me as he took those steps, unsteady at first but gaining confidence as he got closer to me. I'd opened my arms and felt his sigh of relief as he closed the last distance and I was holding him. I don't think either of our eyes were dry in that moment. 

"I remember that you smiled when you reached me."

Shepard's voice is quiet. "I got my future back that day. I knew I'd get out of there... we could choose where to live, what to eat, when to sleep... or when not to sleep. I wanted you so much, you know."

Taking his hand, I bring it to my lips to press a kiss into his palm. "Maybe as much as I wanted you. That hospital bed wasn't very conducive to that."

"Not to mention even less privacy than even on a starship. Is it any wonder that when it came to buying a house, privacy was near the top of my must-have list?" 

"Same here. Along with the bay view and a nice kitchen and bathroom."

"Nice? I don't know much about kitchens, but that bathroom of ours is amazing. Who ever knew I needed a huge walk-in glass enclosure with a rain shower and steam jets?"

I laugh, remembering how John's jaw had dropped when we first saw it. "Don't forget the stone bench... the one you couldn't imagine any use for..."

He doesn't generally blush, but I'm guessing he's thinking about the first use we found for it and his breath does catch a little. "It's been good for my recovery... that and the whirlpool tub."

"I'm glad you like it as much as I do... for _all_ the reasons."

He rubs a hand over his knee, shaking his head. "The leg is getting better, but it's slow. Sounds like Anderson is making faster progress... with climbing stairs and all. I guess he has to, with that place they bought. I think I'd be permanently stuck on the ground floor. But I know it's just what he wanted. He had an image in his mind about the place he dreamed of finding in London."

"I'm glad Kahlee agreed about it.” Remembering my conversation with her, I laugh a little. “She was never crazy about the apartment on the Citadel. Too big for her. She's probably fine with a smaller place... for when she's in town at all. Her students keep her pretty busy at the new academy on the Citadel."

"At least they're not across the galaxy from each other. Last time I talked to Anderson, he sounded like there might be some wedding plans in the making. He was talking about wanting to get the garden in shape for having guests there."

I smile at that. "Nice! That’s great news. I'll have to remember to tease Kahlee about it when I talk to her. See if we're going to need formalwear."

John snorts a laugh. "Unlikely. I'm betting on dress blues all around... or maybe dress whites for the two of them. That would make for nice pictures." He glances down at his legs. "I guess I'll need to get a new set of blues. My old uniforms don't fit very well these days."

I run my hand down his upper arm. "You're getting back your upper body strength, and muscle mass. Wait till you need the uniform... you might be surprised at how well your old one fits."

He nods, flexing his arm a little. "I hope so. Trying to spend as much time on the weight machines as I can... and still have the energy for walking." He runs a hand over my bare thigh, slipping just under the hem of the running shorts, provoking the response he must have been hoping for as he meets my eyes. “And the energy for _other_ things…” 

I pointedly ignore the tease for the moment. "Well, you're also getting some exercise working in the garden."

"Yeah... even if my knee and hip protest it sometimes." He pauses to swallow the last swig from the water bottle. "Speaking of exercise, I might be up for a walk in a few mintutes, if you're still willing to keep my company as I hobble along. Looks like low tide... maybe I'll find another seashell."

Before I reach for my shoes, I lean close enough to kiss him. "For sure. We'll keep our eyes open as we walk the beach. Of course I'm definitely going to need a shower after all this... maybe I can talk you into joining me for that."

His smile widens. "You're on, Alenko."

____________________________________

 

"Ahhh... that feels good."

The water is hot, not steamy-hot, but just right for a summer afternoon as it sluices over my shoulders and runs down my back.

"Hey, Kaidan, you didn't wait for me. Am I still invited?"

John is standing naked just outside the shower space, smiling, his hand on the glass door that separates it from the whirlpool tub and the rest of the bathroom.

"Do you even have to ask? I just wanted to get the water up to temperature while you were getting ready." His healing hip injury still makes it hard to just step out of his pants while standing, so he usually sits on the edge of the bed to undress. Sometimes he lets me help him, but he likes the independence of taking care of himself.

He steps in, joining me under the large rainshower, his hands going immediately to my hips to pull me closer. "Not really. You looked like you could use the company." Meeting my eyes, his smile tells me he'd looked his fill before joining me. Pressing his hips against mine, his voice drops to something huskier. "And you feel like you could too."

"Always."

But there's no rush, we have plenty of time and water. That’s a big change from showering on the _Normandy_. After a squeeze to my ass, John slides his hand up my back with a languor that shows he knows it too.

I reach out to cup his face in both hands and kiss him, shielding him from the gentle shower with my head. His hands wind around my neck, fingers threading into my hair at the nape of my neck.

"Want me to wash you hair?"

It's something he enjoys - perhaps surprisingly so for a man who keeps his own hair clipped in the same tight buzz-cut I've always known him to have. I think the first time he washed my hair was back in his small shower stall on the _Normandy_ , after a mission where I'd wrenched my bad shoulder... the one seriously injured in the altercation with Eva Coré on Mars.

"You know I'd never say no to that." The shoulder feels fine today, but I love the feel of his fingers in my hair anytime.

He turns to the crowded toiletries shelf and picks out his favorite shampoo... the woodsy smelling one. "Turn around a little... there. Just like that."

My hair is already soaked and he stands behind me... very close behind me... to work the shampoo into my hair. His damaged hand seems to be improving. The first time he did this after the war, he could move his fingers, but without much dexterity.

"Mmm... feels good. All the model-building has helped your fingers. Can't hardly tell which hand is which now."

He presses a kiss to my shoulder near the base of my neck, moving close enough for me to feel the heat of his erection pressing against me. All the while, those strong fingers... both the calloused ones and the smooth fingertips... are massaging my scalp.

"Duck you head back under the water... let's get rid of the suds." His fingers thread through my hair, making sure to get out all the shampoo, stroking gently across the sensitive skin behind my ears and around my amp port.

As I feel him start to turn me in his arms, I reach for the body wash and begin to return the favor. This brand is unscented, no sense competing with the lingering deep forest scent of the shampoo.

The feel of his slippery skin beneath my hands is always one of my favorite sensations – his chest, his shoulders, his belly with its trail of dark hair… John is still self-conscious about the network of scars crisscrossing back and chest, but I’ve kissed each one, reminding him that it's all part of him... and some of those scars are what makes it possible for him to be here with me now.

Whether by chance or by familiarity, we both reach for each other at almost the same time, both of us hard and needy. One of my arms circles his neck to draw him up against me. We both shiver at the contact. I whisper against his lips. "How do you want me?"

His hand answers for him, wrapping around both of our erections, fingers brushing over the tips, spreading a different kind of wetness. I thrust against him within the circle of his hand, rewarded with a low moan. "Kaidan... don't stop... so fucking good..."

I dance us a few steps to the side, finding the wall for him to lean his back against, shifting some of his weight from his hip. I cover his hand with one of mine, the other reaching lower between us to cup his balls. He moans again at that touch, squeezing harder and stroking faster in response.

"Spread your legs a little more... I've got you." As he does, I slip my knee between his thighs, making our contact feel perfect to me. "God, John... want you so much..."

He lifts his face and our lips meet, his mouth open to me for a deep, hungry kiss. I have to break away too soon, panting hard. Always a quiet lover, John is moaning words that include my name among mostly unintelligible sounds of need.

"Not... going... to last, John...” I rock my hips hard against him, and his hand tightens as we both let go within moments of one another. His moans give way to a shuddering sigh as my hand releases him so that I can wrap an arm around his shoulder, holding him close. His hand lingers, wrapped around me as I begin to soften, and he rests his cheek against my shoulder. "Love you, Kai... _love_ you..." 

I press a kiss against his forehead and murmur "You're all I need... love you too."

After taking a few quiet moments to come down, we move back into the stream of the rainshower, letting it wash away the sweat and stickiness. Finally turning off the water, I grab a large towel from the bench and wrap him in it. He reaches for the other towel and begins to dry me off. It feels good but I stop him before he stoops to dry my legs. "You don't have to do that. Your hip is happy right now, just enjoy it."

John gives me a piercing blue gaze and a small smile as he proceeds to finish the job he'd started. "I know. Maybe I just want to... pamper you a little. You're always taking care of me, Kaidan. My turn."

"Okay, then. Feels really nice by the way."

When he's done, he pulls himself to his feet and kisses me... not demanding this time, just a gentle kiss. Grabbing a smaller towel, I start drying my hair, following him into the bedroom.

____________________________________

 

"Kaidan, check your messages."

Still toweling my hair, I notice that the message light on my omni tool is blinking. "I didn't hear it ping. Must have been distracted..."

John snickers, shaking his head. "Yeah... the water splashing noise from all those showerheads."

I'm surprised to feel my ears getting warm. "Among other things."

Pulling up the interface, I find a text message with a document attached. It's from Alliance HQ and is addressed to Spectre Major Kaidan Alenko. I sink down onto the edge of the bed to read the message. Twice. 

"What is it, Kaidan? Not bad news I hope."

I shake my head. "No. It's a response to a query I made months ago, not long after getting back to Earth. I think you were probably still unconscious."

"Spectre business?" It's clear that he really wants to ask about it but doesn't want to pry.

"Somewhat..." I might as well admit it to him. "I made some inquiries about my dad. Even if it's just finding out where his squad was assigned. I don't know. I thought some Spectre authority..."

John comes around to the side of the bed where I'm sitting and settles next to me, draping an arm over my shoulders. "That was a good idea. His assignment could make a big difference in the odds of survival. Did you get some information?"

"Yeah. I need to input my Spectre code to unlock the document. Not sure why it's still classified..."

Shepard snorts a laugh. "Maybe no one bothered to change it." He pauses and his voice turns serious. "Or survived to change it. What does it say?"

My code works. The document opens and I scan it. "Not much. But it's something. It's a crew manifest for a ship deployed to the Krogan DMZ not long after the attack on Earth." I scan the names, looking for just one. "There it is – Flight Lieutenant Michael Alenko. Looks like he was the pilot..."

Shepard leans over my shoulder to read for himself. "Oh, that's the _SSV Gettysburg_ , a Normandy-class frigate. I think she was supposed to be part of the Fourth Fleet... they took heavy damage when the Reapers hit Earth."

"Apparently they were deployed to the Krogan DMZ as a sentry ship."

"Makes sense... gets them out of the Sol system where they'd be sitting ducks for the Reapers. And the Alliance might have wanted to keep a stealthed eye out for Reaper activity in that area... maybe near the fuel depot at Aralakh."

I scan the report again. "Doesn't give that kind of detail, but you could be right. The status is listed as _Unknown_. Maybe they lost communication?" I swallow hard, not wanting to think about the alternatives. "Or, I guess maybe... I don't know..."

John tightens his arm around me. "Yeah. You can't know from this. But the good news is that your father was sent off-Earth. There could have been a lot worse assignments for him in the middle of a Reaper attack."

I close the file and rest my head against his. "You're probably right. But I don't think I'm going to share this with Mom just yet. Too many things could have happened to that ship."

Familiar worry lines appear in Shepard’s forehead. "She's been waiting a long time for any news, Kaidan..."

"I know. Too long. I just... I don't know... let's give it a little while longer. This much information turned up. Maybe there will be more."

John's hand is warm on my cheek. "Okay. It's your call. Let's hope the _Gettysburg_ is still out there... limping home maybe. I'm sure your dad is a good pilot. He'll bring her home if he can."

"Yeah. Thanks, Shepard. For listening... not thinking me too selfish for making the inquiry."

He shakes his head. "Selfish? Never. I'd have done the same if we hadn't heard from my mom that she's making her own slow way back to Earth." He glances at the clock on the bedside table. "Are you getting hungry?"

"Let me pull on some clothes. No sense letting those steaks go to waste."

John shakes his head and draws me into his arms, pulling me down with him as he stretches out on the bed. "Plenty of time for that. I was thinking about a nap first."

"Mmmm... even better."

____________________________________

 


	10. Renewal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holding on to hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten months after the end of the Reaper war at the West Vancouver Lighthouse park, not far from John and Kaidan’s home. It is Kaidan’s voice.

 

 

"Kaidan?"

I must have been distracted. "Yes? I'm sorry... did you have to try more than once to get my attention?"

John smiles, patting my hand that's resting on his knee. "No, you're fine... well, maybe a little far away."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to get lost in thoughts."

He leans in to kiss my cheek and I turn my head enough to find his mouth to return the kiss. "Kaidan, I know what this place means to you. It's where you come when you want very much to get lost in thoughts." He pauses, meeting my eyes. "If you want to talk about them, I'm here to listen. If you don't, that's okay too. I like just being here... with you."

We're sitting on a patch of rough grass sheltered by a rocky outcropping. This spot is one of the best places within the park to enjoy the view of the West Vancouver Lighthouse. We'd chosen to hike in on one of the longer routes, one that took us through dense old-growth forest. 

John's voice is quiet. "What are you thinking about?"

I'm not sure I can even explain it. This lighthouse has always been a part of my life, a place I've returned to time and again just to think, to clear my mind. "All the times I've come here, I guess... in good times and in hard times. And that I like having you here with me this time."

He nods, squeezing my hand lightly. He's using the hand that had been so damaged, the new skin still uncalloused and sensitive. "I think there's more on your mind than memories."

"You read me too well. Yeah... something else too. But it's not anything to bother you with. Let's just enjoy the day – it's late September... might not be too many more nice days like this once the rain starts up again."

It takes a few minutes of silence before John replies with a request. "Kaidan... let me in... I don't know if it's anything I can help with, but let me try. You've helped me so often. Maybe it's my turn to just listen."

It's not a request I can deny... and I realize that all the times I've come here to think, I've always been alone. Both here and in my life. Now I'm not... and that makes me so happy. 

I take a deep breath. "It's about my Dad. It's been almost a year since we heard he was MIA."

John looks down at our joined hands, slowly nodding. "Yeah. I remember when you told me about it... in the Observation Lounge on the _Normandy_. I guess we weren't quite together yet, but I remember wishing I had better words for you then. Or some other way to help."

"You helped, Shepard. I doubt I would have told anyone else about it, and I think I was telling _John_ , you know? Not the Commander. And you listened, and you understood."

"You trusted me enough to share it. That meant a lot to me."

His thumb is stroking the palm of my hand and I take another breath. "I think it might be time... time to tell Mom the little bit we learned – about the _Gettysburg_. And... and to maybe let him go..."

That was hard to say. Harder even than thinking it. Saying it makes it real. Final.

"Kaidan..." His voice is very soft as John gathers me close, shifting so he can wrap both arms around me and guide my head to his shoulder. "Only when you're ready to do that, Kaidan. There's no timeline for grief... no expiration date for hope."

"Yeah, I know... I don't _want_ to give up hoping. But it's not just me, you know? What about Mom? Are we just keeping up a pretense for each other? I don't know..."

He's stroking a hand through the back of my hair, touching lightly over the old scar at the nape of my neck. "I know... maybe better than anyone... that you don't give up grieving easily. Or lose hope. But you're the only one who knows when it feels right. Elena... I'm sure she has her own intuition, her own timeline."

I lift my head to meet his eyes. "So you think I shouldn't tell her?" 

"That's not what I'm saying. I _do_ think you should tell her what you know. But let her decide what to do with that knowledge. Hell, Kaidan, I don't know. I think my mother still grieves for Dad on some level. After all those years."

Turning just a little in his arms, I can see the lighthouse, the light of the beam flashing across the water. "I understand that. When you died, I came here to think. I realized something then."

"You told me you spent some shore leave here alone then. And that it helped, but wasn't really a source of hope. What did you realize?"

I bury my face against his chest, nearly muffling my words. "That I'd never stop loving you... and I'd probably never stop grieving... but I would live with it." 

"Kaidan... "

"But I _knew_ you were gone... that time."

He nods, resting his cheek on my hair. "And when you refused to place my name plaque on the _Normandy_ , it was because you weren't sure?"

"No. Because I _was_ sure... that you were still alive. Somehow I knew."

John's voice is a whisper that I can barely hear. "Love you... so much."

We sit like this together for what feels like a long time. Finally I make up my mind. "I'll give Mom a call and tell her what we know. Maybe she just _knows_ too, somehow, one way or another."

"Sounds like you're sure."

"Yeah. It feels right... " I take a deep breath of the sea-scented air. "I guess maybe we should start heading home. We can take the direct path back to where we left the ground car. Should have plenty of time before dusk."

John pulls me close again for a kiss before I get to my feet and offer him a hand in getting up himself. "I'm glad we came here today, Kaidan. I hope it helped."

"It did... and _you_ did."

________________________________________

 

The main path takes us along the beach. We’re probably halfway there when my omnitool pings with a call notification; I missed picking it up because I keep the volume turned down. I could barely hear it over the splash of the incoming tide against the rocky outcroppings. John gives me a curious look and I smile at him, patting his arm wrapped around mine.

“Not going to call back?”

“I’d rather just enjoy the time with you. If it’s important, they’ll call back.”

Sure enough, the ‘tool starts again. I sigh and apologize.

“Let’s stop a minute, John. I’m sorry. I should take this call... that’s odd.”

“No problem. What's up?”

“It’s marked personal. Wonder if something is wrong.” Both our brows furrow as I toggle it to answer. I have a hard time hearing the other person at first; there’s quite a bit of ambient noise and they sound upset. I check the sender’s address: it’s my mother. Finally I can make her voice out over the call in my earpiece.

“Mom? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you... is everything okay? Are you all right?”

John leans against me, worry pinching his face. I strain to listen and can hardly believe my ears over her halting words. The surf doesn’t help the clarity of the call.

“Mom... you what?! Hold on...”

What I think she said can’t possibly be what she meant. I try to mess with the settings and turn up the earpiece volume.

“Say again?”

The air gets sucked out of my chest and I feel John clutch at me as I sway against him. He’s saying something, but I can’t hear him. I feel my knees weaken; I don’t want to collapse and pull him down with me. 

“Hold on, Mom – let me adjust it so John can hear this, too…” 

He gives me another alarmed look while he guides me to a rock. We both sink down on the rough surface. I don’t feel anything but my heart racing. John puts a supportive hand on my back and buries his face in my neck as my mother’s voice breaks from emotion, repeating what she told me. 

“Kaidan… little one... I-I can hardly believe it. He’s alive!”

My eyes burn with unshed tears and John exhales shakily into my shoulder, not speaking.

“I just got the call a few minutes ago. From Michael himself. Sweetie... he’s _alive! _”__

____

________________________________________

 

Epilogue:

After hearing the news from Elena, John and I stay there near the lighthouse for a long time – talking, crying, smiling... most of all hoping. We're still there as night falls and the night sky adds another layer of magic to the moment.


End file.
